As we mentioned, we are proud to be featuring our brand new monthly column "Ask Shelby" featuring expert advice from Chester County based Marriage and Family Therapist, Shelby Riley. Here is our installment for June!
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Shelby,
My husband has so many "hobbies" and activities, I feel like he's never home. He's a great husband and dad, when he's around, but sometimes I feel like I'm a single parent. I don't know how to talk to him about this. I don't want to seem like a nag, or a "ball and chain" but I miss my husband and I want him to WANT to spend time with us. How do I get him to hear me?
Signed, Missing My Man
Dear Missing My Man,
So many women are resonating with your dilemma! On the one hand, you want your husband to have interests and activites outside of the family to enrich his life. On the other, it would be nice to feel like a prioroty to him and have some real quality time to spend with him. It's the hot word of the decade, "Balance."
Not to stereotype too much, but women tend to complain and criticize when we share our thoughts and feelings. Blame biology, blame socializing, but whatever the source, men will tell you they are the ones who feel blamed when we want to "talk about the relationship." Our inner thoughts and feelings are, "I love you, I miss you, I would like to have more fun time together as a couple and as a family." What comes out of our mouths is, "Company softball? But you just went golfing last weekend! And fantasy football starts in two weeks! Am I EVER going to see you and get any help around here?!"
Think about your words as your hands. The desire is to pull him in closer (think hands on his collar, playfully pulling him towards you with a smile). What you don't want is to make him run screaming (think hands shoving him in the chest forcefully) or to make him feel trapped (think hands wrapped around his ankle and leg pulling him to stay).
When things are calm and he's not headed out the door to one of his extra-curriculars, start a conversation by telling him how much you enjoy his company. Talk about why you think he's a great husband and dad. Tell him you like that he has interests and passions outside the family. Explain that it feels like time is so limited and that with your busy schedules, you miss him. Ask him (with curiosity and deep listening, not with blame and resentment) if he feels pulled in too many directions. Let him know you'd like more time together to have fun. Women often phrase it as "I need more help around here." It's not too motivating to give up fun for a long list of chores at home. The help and chores will come, but that comes after you've found a way to strike a balance of time. Talk about your hope that you can find a good balance as a family for time together and time to pursue individual interests. No blame, no yelling, so snide comments.
Most importantly, after you decide how you can make more time for each other and the kids, make sure when he does go off to softball or to have a beer with guys that you filter all resentment and all reproach out of your voice when you tell him to go and have fun.
Good luck!
Yours, Shelby
**Remember to check out Shelby's website, Family Help Today, for a variety of useful information for couples, individuals, families, and kids. You can also find out more about Shelby's AWESOME e-books on her site.
Showing posts with label Ask Shelby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ask Shelby. Show all posts
Friday, June 12, 2009
Monday, May 04, 2009
Ask Shelby: Mothers Day Question
As we mentioned, we are proud to be featuring our brand new monthly column "Ask Shelby" featuring expert advice from Chester County based Marriage and Family Therapist, Shelby Riley. Here is our installment for May!
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Shelby,
I don't know what to do. Mother's Day is coming soon and I have a complicated relationship with my mom. I love her, but we don't get along well, and right now we're in a big fight and we're not speaking. Do I give her something for Mother's Day or do I ignore her because I'm still really hurt? I'm a grown woman--I hate to not know how to handle this!
Signed, Mad at Mom
Dear Mad at Mom,
I just had a client in my office last week who said, "I'm 52 years old and I'm sitting here whining about my mother." A lot of people have issues with one or both of their parents, and that doesn't always change just because we grow into adults. Relationships are complicated...relationships in our families of origin can be REALLY complicated.
The most important thing I hear from your question is that you love your mom. I love that you can be mad at her and stay connected to your love for her. It sounds like there is a part of you that wants to reconnect, a part of you that is still hurt, a part of you that is angry, and a part of you that recognizes your relationship is complicated and this fight isn't new or different for the two of you. It's okay to have good boundaries and protect yourself and still be open to showing your mom love. Think of it as a door to a room: you probably aren't going to close that door completely and cut her off, and you probably don't want to have that door wide open, because that would leave you open to more conflict and pain. You want to have the door open enough to give and receive love, and closed enough to protect yourself. That door can be cracked and slowly swing more open as you and your mom work on your relationship.
(Sometimes cutting off completely from someone is the right choice. If you are being physically, sexually or emotionally abused by someone who is unwilling or unable to change their behavior, complete cut-off can be the only thing that keeps you safe.)
Having good boundaries with difficult people means finding a way to be in relationship with them without making yourself available to be hurt over and over again by them. A therapist can be a great resource to help you figure out how to navigate your relationship with your mom in a way that feels healthier. There are also some great books...Extraordinary Relationships by Gilbert is one that I would recommend you read.
As for Mother's Day, if a phone call seems like it might ignite into another fight, and a gift feels inappropriate given the state of your relationship, acknowledge your love for her with a card. Speak from the part of you that feels love for her. Keep it simple and short. Don't let the angry part or the hurt part have a turn. Simply remind her that you love her and that you wish her a happy Mother's Day.
Good luck to you, and remember-- you are not alone. Lots of people will be struggling to decide how they want to handle Mother's Day and Father's Day. I'm sure you will find something that works for you,
Yours, Shelby
**Remember to check out Shelby's website, Family Help Today, for a variety of useful information for couples, individuals, families, and kids. You can also find out more about Shelby's AWESOME e-books on her site.
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Shelby,
I don't know what to do. Mother's Day is coming soon and I have a complicated relationship with my mom. I love her, but we don't get along well, and right now we're in a big fight and we're not speaking. Do I give her something for Mother's Day or do I ignore her because I'm still really hurt? I'm a grown woman--I hate to not know how to handle this!
Signed, Mad at Mom
Dear Mad at Mom,
I just had a client in my office last week who said, "I'm 52 years old and I'm sitting here whining about my mother." A lot of people have issues with one or both of their parents, and that doesn't always change just because we grow into adults. Relationships are complicated...relationships in our families of origin can be REALLY complicated.
The most important thing I hear from your question is that you love your mom. I love that you can be mad at her and stay connected to your love for her. It sounds like there is a part of you that wants to reconnect, a part of you that is still hurt, a part of you that is angry, and a part of you that recognizes your relationship is complicated and this fight isn't new or different for the two of you. It's okay to have good boundaries and protect yourself and still be open to showing your mom love. Think of it as a door to a room: you probably aren't going to close that door completely and cut her off, and you probably don't want to have that door wide open, because that would leave you open to more conflict and pain. You want to have the door open enough to give and receive love, and closed enough to protect yourself. That door can be cracked and slowly swing more open as you and your mom work on your relationship.
(Sometimes cutting off completely from someone is the right choice. If you are being physically, sexually or emotionally abused by someone who is unwilling or unable to change their behavior, complete cut-off can be the only thing that keeps you safe.)
Having good boundaries with difficult people means finding a way to be in relationship with them without making yourself available to be hurt over and over again by them. A therapist can be a great resource to help you figure out how to navigate your relationship with your mom in a way that feels healthier. There are also some great books...Extraordinary Relationships by Gilbert is one that I would recommend you read.
As for Mother's Day, if a phone call seems like it might ignite into another fight, and a gift feels inappropriate given the state of your relationship, acknowledge your love for her with a card. Speak from the part of you that feels love for her. Keep it simple and short. Don't let the angry part or the hurt part have a turn. Simply remind her that you love her and that you wish her a happy Mother's Day.
Good luck to you, and remember-- you are not alone. Lots of people will be struggling to decide how they want to handle Mother's Day and Father's Day. I'm sure you will find something that works for you,
Yours, Shelby
**Remember to check out Shelby's website, Family Help Today, for a variety of useful information for couples, individuals, families, and kids. You can also find out more about Shelby's AWESOME e-books on her site.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Ask Shelby: Summer Camp Advice
As we mentioned, we are proud to be featuring our brand new monthly column "Ask Shelby" featuring expert advice from Chester County based Marriage and Family Therapist, Shelby Riley. Here is our installment for April!
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Shelby,
We are getting so many flyers and brochures for summer camps lately. We have three kids and we can't afford to send them to every camp they want to attend. We want to provide them every opportunity to grow and learn, and our friends are all doing two or three camps for each of their kids, but we don't know how we'll swing it. Are we depriving our kids by only letting them pick one week-long camp each for the summer?
Signed, Wishing Money Would Fall From the Sky
Dear Wishing Money Would Fall From the Sky,
Summer camps and art classes and sports teams and karate classes and music lessons and anything else your kids might be interested in are great. But they really aren't necessary for growing up a healthy child. We live in a culture of abundant choices, and it can start to feel like if we don't provide our children EVERY opportunity that we're not good parents. (And if we don't have all the 1000 cable channels that we're missing out on something). But that's not true. Good parents know their kids and care for them well. Some good parents sign their kids up for three camps. Some don't.
Being involved in camps and classes is a great way for kids to find out what they're good at, what they're passionate about, and what they like to do for fun. Each has it's benefits: art is great for self-expression, karate is good for confidence and learning to respect authority, team sports are good for building athletic coordination and social skills. It can seem like kids need to be involved in lots of structured activities in order to gain the full advantage of each one. Again, that's just not true. Being involved in too many activities makes for tired and cranky kids, and tired and cranky parents/drivers.
Kids do benefit from some structured activities. They also benefit from lots of free play time. They benefit from time playing with their parents, their siblings, and their friends. They benefit from down time and boredom; learning how to entertain yourself is quickly becoming a lost art, but it's a skill that everyone needs to master. They benefit from the spontaneous science experiments that happen in the kitchen when creating potions in old water bottles. They benefit from cooking lessons when mom or dad asks them to help with meal prep. They benefit from the exercise they get from a game of tag or hide and go seek in the back yard.
Know that as you ask your kids to pick one camp for the summer, you are providing them many wonderful things. You are showing them your love by offering the camp experience. You are building deductive reasoning skills by asking them to prioritize and choose their favorite. You are providing them the opportunity to develop self-soothing skills as they suffer through the disappointment of not going to every camp they want. And you are teaching your values and building their character by living within your means and finding other ways to enrich their lives--instead of trying to keep up with your friends or the culture of abundant choice. Good for you!
Yours, Shelby
**Remember to check out Shelby's website, Family Help Today, for a variety of useful information for couples, individuals, families, and kids. You can also find out more about Shelby's AWESOME e-books on her site.
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Shelby,
We are getting so many flyers and brochures for summer camps lately. We have three kids and we can't afford to send them to every camp they want to attend. We want to provide them every opportunity to grow and learn, and our friends are all doing two or three camps for each of their kids, but we don't know how we'll swing it. Are we depriving our kids by only letting them pick one week-long camp each for the summer?
Signed, Wishing Money Would Fall From the Sky
Dear Wishing Money Would Fall From the Sky,
Summer camps and art classes and sports teams and karate classes and music lessons and anything else your kids might be interested in are great. But they really aren't necessary for growing up a healthy child. We live in a culture of abundant choices, and it can start to feel like if we don't provide our children EVERY opportunity that we're not good parents. (And if we don't have all the 1000 cable channels that we're missing out on something). But that's not true. Good parents know their kids and care for them well. Some good parents sign their kids up for three camps. Some don't.
Being involved in camps and classes is a great way for kids to find out what they're good at, what they're passionate about, and what they like to do for fun. Each has it's benefits: art is great for self-expression, karate is good for confidence and learning to respect authority, team sports are good for building athletic coordination and social skills. It can seem like kids need to be involved in lots of structured activities in order to gain the full advantage of each one. Again, that's just not true. Being involved in too many activities makes for tired and cranky kids, and tired and cranky parents/drivers.
Kids do benefit from some structured activities. They also benefit from lots of free play time. They benefit from time playing with their parents, their siblings, and their friends. They benefit from down time and boredom; learning how to entertain yourself is quickly becoming a lost art, but it's a skill that everyone needs to master. They benefit from the spontaneous science experiments that happen in the kitchen when creating potions in old water bottles. They benefit from cooking lessons when mom or dad asks them to help with meal prep. They benefit from the exercise they get from a game of tag or hide and go seek in the back yard.
Know that as you ask your kids to pick one camp for the summer, you are providing them many wonderful things. You are showing them your love by offering the camp experience. You are building deductive reasoning skills by asking them to prioritize and choose their favorite. You are providing them the opportunity to develop self-soothing skills as they suffer through the disappointment of not going to every camp they want. And you are teaching your values and building their character by living within your means and finding other ways to enrich their lives--instead of trying to keep up with your friends or the culture of abundant choice. Good for you!
Yours, Shelby
**Remember to check out Shelby's website, Family Help Today, for a variety of useful information for couples, individuals, families, and kids. You can also find out more about Shelby's AWESOME e-books on her site.
Our New Monthly Feature: Ask Shelby!
We are so very excited to share our new monthly contributor with our readers, Shelby Riley, LMFT! She will be sharing her "Ask Shelby" column with us each month and will cover a host of marriage, self, and family topics! Here's a little bit about her.
Shelby graduated with a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University and is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the state of Pennsylvania. She has been practicing for over ten years and specializes in couple therapy and sand tray and play therapy with adolescents and children and she has a private practice in Chester County, PA. Shelby can also be found sharing her vast experience with the community at her website Family Help Today, where you can find simple solutions to create better relationships. There is help for individuals, couples, parents, and kids.
You can find our more about Ms. Riley and check out her AMAZING e-books on her website.
Our first installment of Ask Shelby will be posted today! Check it out!
Shelby graduated with a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University and is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the state of Pennsylvania. She has been practicing for over ten years and specializes in couple therapy and sand tray and play therapy with adolescents and children and she has a private practice in Chester County, PA. Shelby can also be found sharing her vast experience with the community at her website Family Help Today, where you can find simple solutions to create better relationships. There is help for individuals, couples, parents, and kids.
You can find our more about Ms. Riley and check out her AMAZING e-books on her website.
Our first installment of Ask Shelby will be posted today! Check it out!
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